the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker
It's no secret that I feel ambivalent about where I live. Whenever Rob and I travel, I BEG him to please let us move there. PLEASE. And I have promised all sorts of good behavior and endless sexual...
View Articlethere's something women like about a pickup man
I have a thing for pickup trucks - real pickup trucks, the 4x4s with chrome bumpers, with dents, with patches of peeling paint, with mud splattered on the tires, with fist-sized holes rusted through...
View Articleyou might be married to a redneck if...
This weekend we went to an extended family reunion in Redneck Redneck Valley. For four years of marriage, I have spared Rob from having to attend one of my family's extended reunions. But this year, my...
View Articlehickville homophones
Overheard in a Redneck Valley elevator"What did you end up buying Debbie for her birthday last week?""A pitcher.""A pitcher like you pour out of, or a pitcher like you hang on the wall?"
View ArticleI wonder if there's a Horse and Buggy major
I just got up and searched all through the house, room to room to room, for the tissue box only to give up and come back to my seat, only to find the box sitting 6 inches from my fucking elbow. That's...
View Articleblack and white and dead all over
I was driving home from work today, and was almost to our house when I saw a dead skunk in the middle of the road. "Ooh! Maybe that's our skunk!" I exclaimed. (I often utter things aloud while driving,...
View ArticleKelly's half of a phone conversation with her mother
"Mom - 'Wearing a tux.' Not 'wearing tux'. Tux is a singular noun.""T-U-X, not T-U-C-K-S.""Mom. We've talked about this before - it's short for tuxedo.""Okay, now that should be tuxes. David was...
View Articleorgan farm
There are sometimes benefits to living in Redneck Valley. In EMT class last week we were learning about the circulatory and respiratory systems, and we got to examine some organs from a cow and a pig....
View Articlelatest obsession: roundabout
Our city has just gotten its very first traffic roundabout. They had a ribbon-cutting ceremony for it and everything. I don't know if communities normally have ribbon-cutting ceremonies for such...
View Articlepresidential race
When I was young, many people around me, including my father, referred to African-Americans as "colored." The word was spoken matter-of-factly, not maliciously. But the inherent connotation is one of...
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